Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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