I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize