thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just made my gag reflex go away.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
