So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
