You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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