Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize