im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
