I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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