I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
