I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize