i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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