Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
