Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
