you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
