There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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