I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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