Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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