We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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