dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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