i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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