It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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