I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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