so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm both gender and math confused
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize