Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
