my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
