her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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