I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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