I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Vodka?
Forever.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
