I wanna bring you to show and tell
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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