We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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