i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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