When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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