She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
