Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think I sprained my soul last night
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize