I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
