walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
