38 yer olds are good kisserssss
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
