Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I would fuck him just for his dog
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
