if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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