I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i now understand why vodka
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
