Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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