WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
