I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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