I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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