there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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