I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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