So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
