watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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