I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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