you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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