So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize