If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
