yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
