You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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