So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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