I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
