batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
