I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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