Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
