i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
