i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
