I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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