Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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