Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
