O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
