I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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