your parents love me but you hate me
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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