I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
